Oral Fixation: Don’t dick around.

It occurs to me that we never actually got round to talking about sucking bones, last time around, probably because I am a selfish woman more concerned with getting my own pleasure, rather than serving up yet another unnecessary instruction manual on how to get your man off. Let’s face it, the last thing this world needs is another how to suck a dick article, yes? No, there is always room for another one. Because it’s December, and I am nothing if not generous in December (stop grumbling, I know I’ve been lazy…), I thought why not? Why not indeed…

I went off in search of the how and why of a good blow job, but one hour in I realised it was not particularly helpful. We’ve all read the Cosmopolitan ‘How To Give A Blow Job‘ article (fun fact: it’s a collection of articles, because they keep adding new improved tips. Nkt!), surely by now the basics are sorted…

  1. insert penis in mouth.
  2. suck on penis.
  3. do not bite penis.
  4. stare deeply into his eyes as you suck; or use both hands to rub his shaft as you suck; or use one hand to rub his shaft as you rub his balls/ass/thighs/hips/nipples with the other hand, while staring deeply into his eyes, while you suck; or stick a doughnut on his dick and nibble away, as you suck, and rub, and stare deeply; or suck, rub, stare, and play with yourself; or do all of the above in front of a mirror.
  5. be sure to tell him whether you want him to come in your mouth, or on your face, or on your breasts
  6. rinse, repeat

Hands up if you found this cosmo-type sex education not even remotely useful. Both my hands are up right now. It’s complete bollocks, no? It’s not that I object to the always useful suggestion to use my hands, or breasts, or in one troubling instance my feet, it’s that I object to the idea that I have such tremendous balance that I can kneel over a man with my head in his crotch, bobbing said head up and down, and yet somehow find a way to reach up and grab his non-existent boob, while staring deeply into his eyes. What the hell do I look like, that stretchy geezer from Fantastic Four? See, this is how people get hurt in bed, doing all manner of silly things the magazines tell them to, because we know no better. Nkt!

What you need to be buying, all ye in search of sex advice, is the original ‘sex’ manual. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you for your orgasmic amusement, the The Kama Sutra of Vatsyayana. Cue sound of heavens opening. Or not, the book does have a tendency to wander into the downright peculiar, but in its defence, it’s old, really old. The Kama Sutra has possibly every sexual act you can think of, described in lurid (and sometimes florid) detail, and because life isn’t just about sex, they have equally detailed sections on courtship, marriage and courtesans. Yes, courtesans. (Do you think we should have a discussion on what appears to be the important place, in society, of women willing to have sex for a fee? Maybe not.) There’s also an intriguing chapter at the end, Of The Ways Of Exciting Desire, And Miscellaneous Experiments, And Recipes, that describes, among many other things, how to augment any penile, umm, shortcomings a man may suffer from…

When a man wishes to enlarge his lingam, he should rub it with the bristles of certain insects that live in trees, and then, after rubbing it for ten nights with oils, he should again rub it with the bristles as before. By continuing to do this a swelling will be gradually produced in the lingam, and he should then lie on a cot, and cause his lingam to hang down through a hole in the cot. After this he should take away all the pain from the swelling by using cool concoctions. The swelling, which is called ‘Suka’, and is often brought about among the people of the Dravida country, lasts for life.

Is your mouth open right now? Read the whole page. It is, hands down, the scariest shit I have read all year, and that’s saying something, no? Yes. Bless their little Indian hearts, these buggers were suitably deviant, a deviancy I can only ascribe to the absence of TV to distract them from higher pursuits. Don’t laugh, think about how much of our lives we waste in front of random screens. Now imagine if we spent that time on more productive pursuits, inventing wondrous flying machines and shit. You’re not convinced, are you? You’re shaking your head, aren’t you? Read it all and tell me you could write it, without taking a break every two hours to check if the bloody plane has been found. I didn’t think so.

It goes without saying that the Kama Sutra has a section on blow jobs, or as they call it, mouth congress. Stop laughing. Before I link to this page I have to issue a stern warning: if you are in any way bothered by the idea of a penis in the mouth of another man, DO NOT GO THERE. It would appear that mouth congress was considered a ‘low practice, and opposed to the orders of the Holy Writ’, and thus suitable only for eunuchs, and unchaste women. I am not making this shit up. Assuming you have overcome any homophobic tendencies you may have lurking…who am I kidding, at this point it’s only women reading…’Of The Auparishtaka Or Mouth Congress‘ describes eight steps to the blow…

  1. The nominal congress
  2. Biting the sides
  3. Pressing outside
  4. Pressing inside
  5. Kissing
  6. Rubbing
  7. Sucking a mango fruit
  8. Swallowing up

As tempting as it is to paste the explanations, I shall spare the gentlemen their blushes and let those who are curious read it for themselves. Gentlemen, if any of you is willing to be my lab rat (hey, Woolie), feel free to comment on this technique hapo chini. One thing I would like to point out is the complete absence of bullshit tricks and stunts, other than a cursory note at the end, ‘Striking, scratching, and other things may also be done during this kind of congress.’ Now I’m not saying tricks and stunts are not required, I’m just saying if these freaky buggers didn’t see the need for them, then perhaps there’s no need for them, no? No?

You like the tricks, don’t you? Useless buggers…

From a woman then, the excellent Voluptuous Voltarian over at Adventures, ‘How To Lick The Lollipop‘…

There a bunch of techniques online that you can look up but in my opinion the biggest teacher you have is the dick you are blowing. As you lick your lollipop see if the reaction you are getting from the man is favourable. Spread his thighs further apart so you have more room to manoeuvre. Stroke his thighs and rake your nails lightly across them till you reach his hips. Grab his butt. Fondle his balls. Suck one ball while you stroke the other and then switch it up. Vary techniques and pay attention to his reaction. Allow him to guide you.

See? There are no tricks to this.

Or perhaps there are. From my favourite shrinks, Secrets of Fabulous Fellatio, a scientific how to guide, with glans and ef’thing. (It bothers me how happy this fancy lingo nonsense makes me, but that’s a story for another day.)

The Fine Points
• Alternate sucking with licking the head and shaft.
• Flick your tongue rapidly around the head.
• Lick or nibble the scrotum.
• Stroke the shaft with one or both hands while sucking or licking the head.
• Fondle the scrotum while sucking.
• Gently squeeze the head or shaft between your thumb and forefinger.
• Gently slap his erection against your lips or outstretched tongue.
• While providing fellatio, massage him elsewhere. Some men enjoy anal sphincter massage during fellatio. Others like being anally fingered—use plenty of lubrican’t, and trim that finger’s nail.
• Finally, if providing fellatio gives you pleasure, say so. Most men get turned on knowing that their lovers enjoy giving head.

That last point, that’s what this post is about.

In my brilliance, last week I decided to ask some men some slightly awkward questions about blow jobs, and the answers I got were nothing short of a mind fuck. I went into these conversations with a few pre-set notions in my head. Assumption 1: men love blow jobs. Assumption 2: men demand blow jobs. Assumption 3: women give blow jobs. I was wrong on all three counts. For the record, all the men I spoke were suitably deviant buggers, all four of them.

Ladies, did you know that men may not be as enthralled with blow jobs as we think they are? Half the men said it wasn’t key to their sex, ‘nice, but not important’ was one response, ‘a dispensable appendage to the entire process’ said the other. I was gobsmacked. Smacked. On my gob. All along I just assumed all men just have to have their dicks sucked, and this despite having shagged a couple of men who didn’t care for it (I assumed they were anomalies). The idea that a man’s reaction to a blow job would be a…shrug? I never. I blame the shitty porn I’ve watched, all porn starts off with a dick in a mouth. Well, except lesbian porn, obviously. Seriously though, there is a general assumption out here that all men love to get their dicks sucked, right? Gentlemen, it’s in all our silly magazines and the pseudo porn that passes for entertainment, and all the ‘how to spice up your sex life’ tips make a point of instructing women on the finer points (see above). And then it turns out this is a myth? This is the oddest thing, but there you have it.

The next revelation was even more of a mind fuck. Men don’t ask for, or demand, blow jobs. A few weeks back I talked about never asking a man to go down on me, and the reactions I got echoed my sentiments. Turns out men are the exactly the same. Not one of the men I spoke to asks for head, they all take it as it comes, if it comes. Remember, these are sexually confident buggers, tending towards the freaky end of the spectrum. I can understand the ones who don’t go gaga for the gagging not asking, it’s not important to them. Thing is, even the one guy who said he loves blow jobs as much as, if not more, sex (dick in vagina), said he never, ever asks. There was an odd reluctance here, part of it is the assumption women don’t like to give head, part is the reluctance/fear of getting bad head, once bitten, and all that (pun wholly intended). Incidentally, contrary to my belief that men hate it, three of the four men are happy to eat their women out, for no other reason than they know their women enjoy it. One lovely gentleman said, ‘If cunnilingus is customer service, heck, I will give good customer service.’ Ahem. Sorry. Amen. I made a mental note to continue that conversation with him at a later date, at length.

The last revelation? Turns out women generally don’t give blow jobs. I got numbers ranging from as low as ‘only a few’ to 50%, which by my rudimentary mathafus puts the average at about 30%. I was expecting responses in the 90% region, to be honest, hence my mind fuck moment. I assumed that women give blow jobs because it’s been drummed into our heads that satisfying the man is the most important thing, and because men allegedly love blow jobs, then surely women must be giving loads of them, no? No. Ladies, if you have ever had a moment of doubt, wondering if you need to get past whatever hang up you have, be easy, not too many women are doing it, despite what the likes of Cosmo say. And he probably doesn’t need you to, apparently. Turns out, oral sex is not nearly as important as I thought it was, and this bothers me deeply. How now? It’s so bloody intimate I truly can’t imagine sex without it. Or is that why it’s not too popular, because of how intimate it is? Then again, some people consider it impersonal, probably because they think it taboo, dirty. I don’t get it.

Usually I write to work something out, find some answers, get some sort of resolution. But not tonight. Tonight I’m left with that unsettled feeling in the pit of my stomach, the feeling I get when I haven’t figured shit out, or when I don’t like the answers I’ve dug up. My lovelies, what the fuck are we doing in bed? This nonsense of not asking…or the idea that some things are too taboo to talk about… Do we talk to each other when we have sex? I mean really talk? Or do we just rub genitals and get each other off?

We need to stop dicking around, man.