You’ve been wondering how you can make it better?
Baby, it’s easy to turn my world inside out
Your discovery will take us to another place
Baby, on that, there is no doubt
I’ve been waiting for the special moment
Anticipating all the things you’ll do to me
Make the first step to release my emotions
To take the road to ecstasy…
My childhood innocence is officially dead and gone, buried 6 feet deep in a grave of misunderstood lyrics. What the hell was I singing when I was a teenager? Did you know SWV were singing about…
Let me get into this story first, then we’ll revisit these women.
I feel like getting suitably filthy today, only I have nothing to get filthy about. In the three years I’ve being doing this blogging thing, we’ve talked about pretty much everything sex related. No really, every fucking thing. It all began, quite harmlessly, with a plea for all the good men and women of my city to get their freak on, followed swiftly by a plea for all married people to get their freak on, ideally with their significant others, instead of whining about it in the bar, to me. I railed against the funga revolution and bad sex, and made an excellent case for shagging the exes and shagging yourself. We talked about mind fucks and booty calls (which just for the record are still the complete opposite of mind fucks), ‘grown ass woman’ sex and ‘waking up in the morning’ man sex. I tried to convince you to have Christmas flings and quickies, and, when that didn’t work, I did a handy list of 10 things your mother never told you about sex. I’ve waxed poetic about the first time you shag someone and the questions you need to ask before you do. I liberated myself from the shackles of sexual propriety (and got ridiculed for it) and showed you deviant buggers the sewers in your own damn minds (you really shouldn’t have ridiculed me). We talked about orgasms, at length, and then we talked about dick size, just because we could. And then we talked about porn, a lot of porn, suspect erotica even, plus a how to guide for aspiring pornographers. You ignored my threesome story, and my kissing story, and judging by the nonsense I continue to read online, nobody paid any attention to the science I researched (and debunked) oh so lovingly. On the up side, seems we all quite enjoyed the happy discovery that women make women come more, or better, or both. Do you see what I mean when I say we’ve talked about everything?
I suspect I have sucked this bloody bone dry.
She stares at that line again.
Folks, let’s talk about sucking bones (and other) dry. Yes, really. Come on, we’ve done everything else, no?
Detour. Did you see how I did that? Smooth, no? I’ve just managed to concoct an almost plausible excuse to talk about licking a clitoris, and this while I took you through my disturbingly extensive sex archive. I know, I’m very clever. Detour over.
My lovelies, I want to have a discussion about Kenyan men and their seeming reluctance to eat their women out. I want to have a discussion about Kenyan women and our love for oral sex, and our reluctance to ask for, or demand, or expect it. I want to have a discussion about putting genitals in your mouth for pleasure, and why some seem to derive no pleasure from it. I want to know why men go down on you the first time you shag, and they do so extremely well, and then turn around and act like its some Christmas festivity immediately thereafter, to be engaged in no more than once a year (true story by the way, but we’ll get to that later). I want to know if there’s a particular way a woman, or man, should taste, or if we’re all different flavours. Stop laughing, that last one’s not as idiotic as it sounds, all blood tastes the same, yes? Stands to reason that all other body fluids do too, no? No, it still sounds idiotic, but I will still explore, dammit, because I can. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s finally time to talk about cunnilingus.
First up, a couple of definitions.
Oral stimulation of the vaginal lips and clitoris by a partner of either sex for pleasure or for orgasm . CAUTION: Oral sex between disease-free people is not risky. Although oral-sex was, until recently, considered a low risk activity for getting HIV (USA Today (Feb. 2, 2000) a recent study shows that as many as 8% of new HIV infections in gay men result from performing oral sex) other STDs such as syphilis , gonorrhea , herpes 2 that can be transmitted orally. Since HIV may be contained in the seminal and vaginal fluids of an HIV-infected person, protection in the form of a latex-condom with spermicide (preferably nonoxynol-9) is recommended for fellatio and a dental-dam or latex barrier should be used for cunnilingus . It isn’t easy for HIV to get-into the bloodstream through the mouth unless that the mouth contains cuts, sores, or recent dental work . No cases have been reported yet of people being infected with HIV by having oral-sex performed on them.
Etymology: Latin for vulva licker, from cunnus, the vulva, and lingus, the tongue or lingere, to lick .
Stimulation of the penis with the lips, tongue and mouth by a male or female partner for sexual pleasure or for orgasm and ejaculation . A distinction, now obsolete, was once made in Latin and old English between fellatio and irrumatio depending on who was actively moving: irrumatio meant to thrust the penis into the partner’s mouth , fellatio meant to move the head and mouth up-and-down around the penis. This distinction has vanished in modern English and the word irrumation has almost completely fallen out of use.
Etymology: From the Latin fellâtus, past participle of fellâre, to suck, and fello, originally meaning to suck the teat .
Not to get too political about this, but do you see how the two definitions differ? Cunnilingus, oral sex on a woman, comes with a stern warning about disease. Disease! They even threw in gay men, because gay men engage in copious quantities of pussy eating, right? In contrast, the fellatio definition is quite detailed, including a most illuminating explanation on irrumation (I am so using that on a man one day, ‘Stop irummating me, baibee!’ I will exclaim, as I push him off my face. Oh my…). Note the complete lack of health warnings, or complimentary lesbians, when it comes to sucking a dick. Pardon my French, but what the fuck kinda bullshit is this? Problem is, this sexist approach to pleasure is constant these days, everything from porn to daytime TV is skewed towards male pleasure. But not here, no sirree bob. Here women’s pleasure is equal to, perhaps even greater than, men’s pleasure.
To Wikipedia then, for a less biased (read, bullshit) definition of oral sex:
Oral sex or oral intercourse is sexual activity involving the stimulation of the genitalia of a person by another person using the mouth (including the lips, tongue or teeth) or throat. Cunnilingus is oral sex performed on a female, while fellatio is oral sex performed on a male. Anilingus, another form of oral sex, is oral stimulation of a person’s anus. Oral stimulation of other parts of the body (as in kissing and licking) is usually not considered oral sex.
Oral sex may be performed as foreplay to incite sexual arousal before other sexual activities (such as vaginal or anal intercourse), or as an erotic and physically intimate act in its own right.
Most of us already know what oral sex is, the problem normally arising with the how, and maybe the why. Gentlemen, I don’t know how to tell you this except to tell it to you straight. Cunnilingus is the way to (many) a woman’s heaven. Last year we talked about the omnipresent statistic, that only 1 in 3 women orgasm from penetration alone. What this means is the other 2 women require stimulation of their clitoris to come, which in turn means you will be eating her out. Yes, you can use your fingers, but be honest, how many of you know how to use your fingers that well? Thought so. Your mouth, especially your tongue is best suited to this little exercise. So then, how do you give your lover oral pleasure? Is there a handy 10-point guide to sucking on the strawberry and sipping on her wine?
In one of the stranger discoveries of my evening, I found this information on Wikipedia of all places…
Some sex manuals recommend beginning with a gentler, less focused stimulation of the labia and the whole genital area. The tip, blade, or underside of the tongue may be used, and so might the nose, chin, teeth and lips. Movements can be slow or fast, regular or erratic, firm or soft, according to the participants’ preferences. The tongue can be inserted into the vagina, either stiffened or moving. The performing partner may also hum to produce vibration.
And they say wikipedia is boring. Pffft! Clearly they haven’t set eyes on the useful illustration at the top of the page, of a woman eating another woman out. (Sidebar: I’m not sure if that’s sexist or not, using two women like that, seems a tad gratuitous that display of lesbian activity. Then again, I’m not sure any image is necessary so…) Mind you, they also threw in this little gem:
Autocunnilingus, which is cunnilingus performed by a female on herself, may be possible, but an unusually high degree of flexibility is required, which may be possessed only by contortionists.
If wishes were horses, my lovelies, I would never leave the damn house ever again. For what?
Seriously though, there is no shortage of how to articles online, most admittedly absurd, like this one which advises men to make like Ali…
One of my favorite tongue techniques that I talk about in my book ‘She Comes First’ is the “Rope-a-dope”— the strategy Muhammad Ali used to take down George Foreman during the edge-of your-seat Rumble in the Jungle. Let her push and grind against your flat, still tongue — take it all in — and then spring back with a series of fast vertical and diagonal tongue strokes. Lick her senseless with a short burst of energy and then return to the flat, still tongue, waiting for yet another opportune moment to spring to life again.
Spring back? What the fuck is this, hunting? Gentlemen, do not try this at home. No really, don’t. You leave your tongue still and she’ll think you’ve finished, and not in a good way. Besides, what’s the point of getting a man to eat you out if he won’t actually eat, no? I just got virtual high fives from the female half of my audience.
If you want a useful guide look for one written by women, like this one, Cunnilingus 101: Our Guide To Going Down, it has a drawing and ef’thing, and a handy list:
Dos & Don’t’s
1. Do change the strength and intensity of your strokes, to vary her sensations!
2. Don’t change them when she’s close to coming!
3. Do show enthusiasm and give positive reinforcement after!
4. Don’t get so lost in your own enjoyment that you miss her cues.
5. Do use your hands and whole face when pleasuring her.
6. Don’t come to bed with jagged fingernails or beard stubble.
7. Do keep licking as she’s coming.
8. Don’t stop until she pushes you away or signals that she’s had enough.
9. Do use the heat of your breath to excite her.
10. Don’t blow into her vagina.
Also good, if somewhat more opinionated, is this, The Lesbian Guide To Eating Pussy (Every Man Must Read).
Men suck at eating pussy. Not because they don’t like it but because it is really fucking hard. You have to learn it. Giving good head is the key to just about everything in life (including getting good head later on), so it’s time we broke it down. Like this.
The secret to giving good head is to read the signs. You could be the best sexual mechanic in the world, but if you can’t read the emotional road signs, you’re going to end up wandering around in a desolate labial wasteland until, eventually, you drop from exhaustion, hot tears of confusion streaming down your face. Think of eating the puss as your way of saying, “Although I am about to rock your insides with 3,000 pounds of explosives, here’s a little treat session to show you how I really feel.” Instead of a screamed “OH MY GOD!!” like her baby has been trapped under a car (which is what fucking should do), cunnilingus elicits a more splendiferous “ohmygodohmygodohmygod.” Kind of like being massaged with exotic fruits by a muscular Arab oil sheik. A good mange (that’s French for “eat,” you brutes) is like a thousand years of Saturdays or a “Calgon, take me away” ad.
I have no idea what a Calgon is, but Kai Ni Kii? approves of this message. Feel free to thank me later.
Keep on doing, doing what you’re doing
‘Til you feel the passion burning up inside of me
If you do me right, we’ll be making love all through the night
Until you uncover the mystery
Take it nice and slow, baby, don’t rush the feeling
Now you know how you can make it happen, yeah
My desire is begging for the healing
Let me guide you down to the place to be…
Which brings me to the crux of the matter. For all the information out here on how to pleasure a woman, they don’t tell us much about women who don’t like to be pleasured, and women who don’t like to ask to be pleasured. Most women I know fall in the second category. Wait, maybe that’s just me. For some reason I never ask for oral sex. I gladly give it, but never think to demand it, and the best part of this mess is this, I then resent the man for not giving it. I really do. I figure, if a man enjoys getting his dick sucked, how does it not occur to him that I would enjoy the same? No, I don’t have a dick, but my clit has many, many more nerve endings than your bloody cock, so do the fucking maths. Bloody nkt! Why then do I not say anything? Because in my head I’m convinced most men don’t like to do it, and I’m a firm believer in not forcing someone to do anything they don’t want to do. Plus, I refuse to beg. That’s right, I am too proud to beg. Shame man. How is it a freaky little creature like me hesitates when it comes to my own pleasure?
Turns out I’m not the only one.
As always, my interest in this particular topic was ignited by a suitably inflammatory article (read, click bait). Why do so many straight women prefer penetration to oral sex? Watch this video, Straight Girls Explain : Penetration Vs Oral, the subject of the article, and tell me if anything these (admittedly young and white) women say resonates with you.
It would appear our reticence when it comes to oral sex may have less to do with men and more to do with our own body cum sex issues. Do you think you smell/taste a little funky? Do you think your hoohaa isn’t pretty enough? Are you flustered by the thought of a man getting that close to your womanhood, and by association your nudity? Or do you simply think putting genitals in mouths is nasty? Ladies, whatever thoughts you have regarding your lady bits, good and bad, I assure you there is another woman somewhere who thinks the exact same way. A lifetime of being brought up ‘proper’ has left us with a most Presbyterian approach, where Presbyterian means repressed (no offence to any Presbyterian here), to our sexuality. Again, maybe this is just me, but I’m willing to wager its not. The unfortunate reality of our conservative upbringing is many, possibly most, women have been conditioned to think of their own pleasure as secondary to their man’s, and that their vaginas are evil honey pots of sin that are never to be seen or touched, let alone heard. Yes, your vagina has a voice, who do you think tells you to chase after that hot man when you damn well know you shouldn’t? This is probably the one thing men will never understand about us, this love hate relationship we have with our loins. The good news is, because here at Kai Ni Kii?we always have good news, this conditioning can be overcome. The bad news is, I’m not entirely sure how.
Don’t look at me like that, I’m still in the basic process of working up the courage to ask for some tongue, but at least these days I no longer worry about smelling/tasting iffy. A shower before a shag works wonders for my confidence, I’ve found.
It’s a miracle I get somehow laid even after writing this shit. Moving right along.
As part of my annual ‘give something back to the community in December’ sex outreach programme, I would like to dispel this one myth. Ladies, men love oral sex just as much as we do, giving and receiving. As for why they ration it like Christmas, I have no idea, but I’m guessing it has something to do with laziness, and perhaps the fact that we don’t make it a requirement. Fortunately for women, we always have the option of replacing him with another, more eager, lover. What’s that? But you love him? Well then, you might want to share this post with him, all subtle like. Or play him this song…
You gotta go downtown
That’s the way to my love
Take it round and round
Oooh, you can’t stop ’til you find my love
Go downtown, to taste the sweetness will be enough
That’s the love that you’ve been dreamin’ of…
The song is ‘Downtown’ by SWV, an ode to…you guessed it…going down on a woman. Now when I say ode, I mean ode. There is nothing else to this song other than eating her, them, out. And I didn’t have a clue until about one hour ago. I was singing along to this song way back when I was in high school, none the wiser. And not because I was an idiot, watch the video and see for yourself. Does anything there lead you to think it has anything whatsoever to do with oral sex? Wait. Hmm… There’s a shirtless man kneeling in front of her with his head in her crotch area…water cascading down…a man’s strong fingers on a tight drum… I get it now, completely about oral sex.