Women do it better. Yes, that it. Really, they do.

I’ve got the problem
You got the solvin

When one opens one’s news reader on a random Wednesday morning to find this headline, “Lesbians Are Having More Orgasms Than Straight Women”, one can either take it as a sign from the universe to start shagging women, or as a sign to get back to one’s blog. It could also be a sign that I need to stop relying on suspect sites like HuffPo for my daily news, but in my defence, I’m in the middle of a pseudo Mexican stand-off with our dailies (I mean a boycott, of sorts, but only on my end it would seem) and I must have my daily dose of nonsense, but I digress.

This article went ahead to inform me that the results of a recent study show:

While heterosexual women reported orgasming 61.6 percent of the time and bisexual women reported 58 percent, lesbian women had the highest orgasm rate at 74.7 percent.

And because that isn’t sad enough for heterosexual women, there’s this:

…heterosexual men reported an 85.5 percent orgasm rate, gay men 84.7 percent, and bisexual men 77.6 percent…

And there you have it, my lovelies, the scientists have spoken. 62% means for every five times a heterosexual woman has sex, she orgasms during only three of those sessions. Quick question, what happens to her the other two times? Does she sigh contentedly enjoying her almost come, comforting herself with the knowledge that the next one will be better, statistically? Or does she harangue her man for not delivering? Or does she wait until he falls asleep to get herself off? Or does she resign herself to dissatisfaction and drift off to blue-ball (read, clit) sleep? I’m curious, ladies, what do you do when this happens? I’d ask the gentlemen, but you buggers reported 86%, that’s 4 in 5 times, 4.3 in 5 to be precise, which means there’s at least one time you got off and she didn’t, you selfish bastard. What? It’s either that or there is a significant number of guys who just don’t get it, ever, about 38% of you. Kidding. Or not.

But wait a minute, based on these numbers, are they saying women get off more when shagging other women, or are they saying women get women off better than men? As it turns out, they’re saying both, and something else. From an opinion piece on said study, “Lesbians know the secret to the best orgasms you’re not having”, a bisexual woman explains:

Lesbians, though, reportedly have less trouble reaching orgasm than straight or bi women. Sexologists as far back as Masters and Johnson theorized that lesbians enjoyed sex more because they weren’t inhibited by the same gendered expectations of performance and pleasure – or chaste endurance– that plagues hetero pairings.

Basically, straight women come less because they’re too busy being ‘proper’ to come. Lesbians, on the other hand, appear to have less inhibitions because they’re, well, more open, seeing as how they’ve already broken social convention and no longer feel the need to be restrained about their sexual pleasure. But that’s not all it is, is it?

Slight detour. This then begs the question, why do bisexual women orgasm less? You’d think they have the best of both worlds, no? Apparently not. From the same article:

The lesbian orgasm rate isn’t just about an advanced skill set, though. The study also determined that the way women sexually identify affects how frequently they orgasm – and bisexual women fare the worst, regardless of whom they’re trying to reach orgasm with. But bi-visibility, and the still-limited understanding that bisexuality exists as more than just a waystation between deciding to be gay or straight, is still hard for many of us to navigate publicly…and in the bedroom. So if self-identification – and comfort and attachment to that identification – affects the orgasm ratio, it’s not surprising that bisexual women lag behind.

I can only assume the same argument applies to bisexual men as well, their numbers are also lowest amongst men. We shall revisit this bisexual story another day, I suspect it bears some discussion, no? Detour over.

I’ve got the problem
You got the solvin

Now even as I was reading these articles about lesbians having better sex and whatnot, I was thinking what I can only assume you are thinking right now, how are they doing this without a penis involved? Don’t even try to pretend you’re not wondering how they do what they do the way they do. I know you were, because I was too. Let’s do a quick comparison of hetero and lesbian sex, shall we? A typical shag with a man usually consists of brief foreplay, penetration, then climax (for him?). A typical shag between two women, on the other hand, and this I can only guess from extensive consumption of quality erotica, is much less rigid (pun unintended). The author of the fine piece of feminist writing (above) gloats…

The first time I ever had sex with a woman, I remember being overwhelmed – and not in the way I had expected. Over the course of several hours, we had three all-encompassing orgasms each and, finally, I understood the significance of our recovery periods (or the lack thereof) to women’s capacity for pleasure. It even gave me a newfound empathy for the plight of your average heterosexual male, inwardly sighing that his partner might be ready to go at it again already. Then I smugly counted my XY fortune.

Three orgasms. Each. No dick. Stop frowning, gentlemen, this is just one woman’s experience. I shall now have a wee chuckle.

Gentlemen, women aren’t built like you. We don’t need to take a 30 minute nap and a snack after we come, we just keep going and going and going… Like she says, we have some empathy for you unlucky buggers, you got the short end of the stick when it comes to the come, but that empathy will only take you so far. Put differently, while we expect that you shall be completely useless once you climax, we expect that you shall endeavour to ensure we climax, hopefully several times, before you collapse into a drained stupor. Either that or you get us a female lover to do the job you choose not to, your choice. It goes without saying that right now most women reading this, or maybe just me, are currently very open to the idea of shagging a woman, once we, I, overcome the minor matter of the missing dick…

Do lesbians have more orgasms because they know women better than men ever could? From the study:

In the study text, the researchers posit the higher lesbian percentage could be attributed to factors such as “self-identified lesbian women are more comfortable and familiar with the female body and thus, on average, are better able to induce orgasm in their female partners.” Other reasonings include: length of the sexual encounter, attitude towards gender, sexual roles during intercourse and possible hormonal differences.

Why yes, it seems they do. Women, it seems, really do it better.

Chuckling some more…

Just like chocolate melts all over ice cream
I wanna pour myself all over you
I know it sounds crazy
sounds like it tastes good too…

I’m not trying to turn this into a men don’t know how to get women off discussion, that’s not what I do, is it? I’m a firm believer in learning to get yourself off (take that as you will), convinced that it always starts with you. We’ve talked about orgasms before, at length, and by now you know women usually take longer to come than men do, don’t you? Don’t you?

You buggers don’t read the links I put up, do you? And do you want to know how I know you don’t read the links? One of the orgasm posts had a link to a satire piece on the male orgasm and it was complete and utter bollocks, but to date, not a one of you has pointed it out. No, no, don’t try and explain, I don’t want to hear it, but know that one day there will be a test, and all you idiots will fail miserably, so there, dammit. ‘Where was I?’ she asks, wiping righteous indignation inspired spittle off her chin.

Orgasms. Two points to revisit from the tension post.


You may have heard that it takes a lot longer for women to reach orgasm than it does for men. This is not entirely true. During masturbation, women and men reach orgasm in very similar amounts of time. On average, women reach orgasm in a little less than four minutes. For men the average time is between two and three minutes. The difference in the time it takes women and men to reach orgasm during foreplay and vaginal intercourse is greater. On average, it takes women 10-20 minutes to reach orgasm. Men reach orgasm after 7-14 minutes overall, but average two to three minutes after beginning intercourse.

Female Orgasm

See, up there when they mentioned the length of the sexual encounter, this is what they were talking about. Men, admittedly not all men, simply don’t take the time to get their women off, whereas a woman is automatically in sync with her female lover, if only biologically. This one issue of how long the sex lasts is the one complaint you will always get from women and with good reason, it takes us longer.

Second (from the same orgasm article):

Most women experience orgasm through clitoral stimulation rather than through vaginal penetration. So if you are having difficulty reaching orgasm with a partner, try clitoral stimulation during, before, or after vaginal intercourse or oral sex.

It’s (almost) all about the clit, which is to say the odds of you pounding her into happiness are slim to non-existent, not unless said pounding is accompanied by dexterous fingers. Or a woman. Gentlemen, this is the one sad, or happy I like to think, truth about making a woman come, you need to play with her sweet spot, her love button…I just cringed a little typing that, no more crap synonyms…play with her clitoris. Fingers are good, mouth is much better. Much, much, much better. Did I say how much better your mouth is?

You don’t have to worry bout givin me too much
One thing baby, yeah, you never get enough
I’ve got the problem
You got the solvin

Just between you and me, I think the reason lesbians have more orgasms than straight women is because of this one thing. Oral sex. I figure, not having a penis between you allows you to focus on giving and receiving orgasms the way you best enjoy, which means less ‘bang bang cum’ and more ‘licky licky’.

I know, its crass, but dammit if it’s not the smartest thing I’ve said all night.

Just can’t get enough
Lovin you…

We shall talk about Ray Parker Jr, soon.