Manage ya trois.

You know your life has taken a turn for the downright peculiar when you find yourself googling threesomes on a Saturday night, when you’re all alone.  I’m not talking about searching for dirty pictures and hot, I mean, nasty videos, I’m talking about looking for ’how to’ manuals, as in, how to have a threesome.  Wait, don’t dismiss this as one of my deviant tales offhand, let me explain…  No, actually this will most likely turn out to be a deviant tale.  I should disclaim.  Ladies and gentlemen, apologies for what I am about to subject you to.  I do not mean to be crude, but I will have to be.  I shall try not to be rude, but I will most probably be just that.  I have to go back into the sewer for a quick rummage, but here’s hoping I don’t get lost, and you don’t get mortally wounded.  If you do, apologies, thems the breaks, no?  Probably not.  Back to Saturday night.  I was looking for a helpful page, ideally with diagrams, describing the mechanics of three people shagging each other, the how, why and where, all scientific like.  And why was I searching?  Doesn’t everyone, eventually?  No?  You mean to tell me men don’t always talk about their threesome fantasies with you, or that you’ve had one yourself?  So it’s just me who doesn’t know how?  Haiya.

The threesome.  The holy grail of carnal pleasure, at least the way men tell it.  Men talk about three(or more)somes like it’s the best thing since the discovery of butter (for the sliced bread).  What could be better than one woman?  Apparently, two women, maybe more.  Thing is, gentlemen, and I’m guessing I’m not the only one who’s ever asked this question, how exactly do you shag two women at the same time?  Are they friends, or random women willing to get naked with each other, and you?  Are they bisexual, willing to shag each other, and you?  Are they both into you, and willing to share? Are they in fact fictional creations of your imagination?  I ask that last one not because I think men don’t have threesomes, but because I have met way too many men in way too many bars who claim they have, and I suspect they haven’t.  Lies, my lovelies, nothing but lies.  I’m starting to suspect that the ménage a trois is a bit of an urban myth, like how we know the meat in those muturas they sell on the side of the road don’t really have donkey meat in them, but we still claim they do.  Same with the man and his two women.  See, there is no way three people just fell into bed together, all casual like, I don’t care what these buggers say, shit like that doesn’t just happen, not even in the presence of great intoxication.  Or does it?

Now you know I’m a bit OCD when it comes to matters sex, never content to leave well enough alone.  It is for this reason that I went out in search of the truth, and I’ll be straight with you, I was hoping to find out that these things truly exist, because if a man can have two women, then there’s a remote possibility I can have two men, no?  I know, very altruistic of me.

First up, the what.  What is a threesome?  Stop laughing, not everyone knows, they think they know, but they don’t know, no?  No, everyone knows, but I like to read the scientists on the internet trying to complicate even the simplest issue. Cue Wikipedia, the (not) scientific experts.  “In human sexuality, a threesome is sexual activity that involves three people at the same time. When sexual activity is centred on one of the threesome, then the activity may be described as a gang bang of the person.” And they threw in a picture of two generously proportioned women and a man, all with their nininios exposed, just because.  Woi…  To the Urban Dictionary then, for real talk.  “A threesome is the term which describes a sexual act involving three people, sometimes also referred to as a ménage a trois. A true threesome is when all three people have sex with each other, not when two people just have sex with one person and not each other.”  Much clearer, no?  Three people having a shag.

Let us pause a minute and consider the permutations.  Men commonly assume that threesome is short for, ’me and two hot women’, but it’s not, it could be two men and one woman, or three women, or three men, or maybe even a man and two not hot women.  Who knew?  Yes, I am mocking you, gentlemen.  Thing is, if you read that definition as three people shagging each other, as opposed to two people shagging one person, then that would imply a certain level of bisexuality, no?  Stop giving me that look, you know I’m right.  If two girls get into bed with a man, and proceed to tweak with each others nipples, as well as his, then said girls are bisexual.  Same goes for the two men crossing swords over yonder, as they cavort with the lovely lady in between.  Threesomes are by definition bisexual activity.  I’m looking at M7 right now, because you know a macho man like him has to have had a couple of women at a go at least once in his lifetime, no?  Moving on swiftly.

Next up, why have a threesome?  Hands up if you just replied, ’Why not?’  Thought so, useless buggers, when has that answer even been good enough around here?  The right answer?  Fantasy.  We went over this last year, I won’t rehash the details except to say that both men and women fantasise about having sex with more than one person, of both genders.  Yes, gentlemen, you fantasise about other men, not just women.  It’s okay, that doesn’t make you gay.  Promise.  Bisexual, perhaps, but not gay.  Please ignore my evil laughter.  Ladies, stop smirking, you’re bisexual too, only when a girl says it it sounds sexier, no?  I’m not being sexist, women are actively encouraged to be more fluid sexually, because men like to think of women swinging any which way, as long as they’re involved.   The men, however, never!  They’re as straight as an arrow, allegedly.  How now?  We shall have this conversation one of these days, because this is a conversation worth having, but not today.  Why have a threesome, of whatever variety?  As it turns out, the answer actually is, because you can.  Apologies for calling you buggers useless, you are not lazy, you are most wise.  Or not.

Which brings me to the heart of the matter.  How do you have a threesome?  Literally, how?  I assume you don’t just walk up to a pair of buxom ladies, or strapping young lads in my case, and proposition them, or do you?  Wait, do you?  Haiya.  I should really get out more often.  For the rest of us propositionally challenged types, or perhaps just me, I think a bit of advice would come in handy.  Cue the dodgy sites on the interwebs, all claiming to have the answer.  Folks, it would appear that getting more than one person into your bed involves a bit more than drunken bravado.

Assuming you already have one lover, the first thing you need to do is gauge their level of freakiness.  How open are they to the idea of something other than run of the mill hetero sex?  Does your man frown at the thought of watching porn with you, calling it dirty, or evil?  Then odds are he won’t be too open to the idea of another man joining you.   Another woman maybe, but even that’s a bit of a hard sell. Does your lady think doggy style is a little too animal?  Then she probably won’t be too inclined to watch you make like a mammal with another woman, will she?  Because the internet is a lovely place, here’s a handy little test you can take, to find out if you’re both ready, The should you have a threesome Test.  Come on, you know you want to, what could be better than a dodgy test, from a dating site?  I mocked them, then I took the test.  Stop laughing, I am a complete sucker for online tests.  I failed, of course.  I have digressed.  Folks, the (s)experts say (Convince Her To Have A Threesome), before you bring up the idea of a plus one, you might want to first ease your lover into the wider world of kinky sex, yaani in more than one position.  A word of caution, they also say, “Bringing a guest star into your relationship for the night can have major repercussions – and if there isn’t a strong, established and mutual respect and trust between you and your girlfriend, things will implode.”  Implode, as in collapse inwards, as in be no more.  If you’re dating a jealous bastard, do not pull this stunt.  If you’re shagging a a crazy stalker of a woman, do not, ever, ever, throw another woman into that mix.  If your lover is even a wee bit unsure about how you feel for them, don’t go there.  It goes without saying that an ex is not recommended as a threesome partner, not unless you’re looking to implode shit.   Can you picture having sex with your current AND your ex?  Walalalalala…  Think, Vicky Christina Barcelona, but with angry black women.

If, however, you’re a lucky bugger and your lover is suitably unreserved, then by all means, bring up the threesome.  However, and there’s always a however, don’t demand one at 7 in the morning on the way to work, that will get you slapped, or shot.  Come slowly (I think I may have just punned…).  Use your fantasies, paint them a picture of all the alleged pleasure it will bring you both.  Better still, wait for them to unleash their threesome fantasy, and then nod and say, “Really? You want to try that? I guess we could, but only if you want to, baibee…”  Reverse psychology, works every time.  Yes, I’m quite fucking brilliant, and yes, you can thank me later.  What’s that?  It’s not one of their fantasies?  I refer you back to my earlier post, and the sewer in all our minds.  The fantasy is there, you just have to pull it out, my lovely, by any means necessary.

Once the idea has been accepted, all that’s left is to find a similarly minded idiot and voilà!  Your ménage awaits.

Oh joy!

Tell me, am I the only one with no female friends or acquaintances willing to shag my ass?  You have no idea how much I’m hoping someone else is shaking their head right now…  It’s not that I’m a prude (I’m not), or that I look like the back of a bus (I might), but I highly suspect none of my people is contemplating a quick roll in the hay with me, at least not the ones with ovaries.  Which is not to say that I would find it any easier to get a man to do it, how the hell do I ask a man if he wants to shag me and my man?   See, this is why fantasies remain fantasies, some things are almost impossible to pull off. Unless you have access to a large pool of willing, and freaky, accomplices, say, in some sort of swingers club (I don’t know, I’m just guessing…), then you will probably struggle to pull this off, right?   Wrong.  There’s a facebook page, hell, there’s even a sex advice columnist giving tips in an almost national newspaper, My Husband Has Agreed To A Threesome. A quick google of ’find a threesome Nairobi’ got me 1.95M results (soon to be 1.95M plus one, once I get tagged…hmmm…I didn’t think this plan through, or did I? Insert evil laugh here, my plan is coming together.  Ahem…).  Clearly there are people shagging in all manner of triumvirate ways in this town.  And y’all didn’t tell me, did you?  Greedy, hoarding, fucking bastards.  Nkt!  Useless detour, now I know why almost every bar I go to has a ’ménage a trois’ shooter on their cocktail list.  In fact, I’m looking at my barman in a whole new light.  Seriously though, if the fantasy is as popular as they say it is, then pulling a threesome off shouldn’t be that difficult, assuming a certain level of freakiness and/or willingness to copulate with possible strangers.  So why is this still an urban myth?  Anyone?

And it gets better.  Because life isn’t hard enough, even if you’re lucky enough to find a willing participant eager to take part in your three way of lust, you still have to consider the code of conduct.  Folks, there are rules to the trois.  Really.  It seems that you don’t just get down and dirty any which way you feel led, you have to consider feelings and shit.  You deviants didn’t think it would be that easy, did you?  You did, didn’t you?  Apologies.

Rule No.1: Establish the rules.

You have to agree on what you can or can’t do.  How far can you go, without your lady getting slightly miffed at the attention being shown to random other woman?  Are you allowed to to ride the other man, or is that cheating?  Is the extra person there to watch or participate, and to what extent?  This sounds like an kill joy rule, but think about it, what if you have a special move, you and your lover, that thing you only do on Christmas, every leap year, and she unleashes it for some langa guy you picked up on  That’s just wrong, no?  Establish boundaries, but not so many boundaries that you only end up looking at each other.

Rule No. 2a: Give, and receive, all the time.

I know some of you men have visions of lying back and having two women fight over the pleasure of your dick, but alas, that will not be the case.  You have you put in the work, gentlemen, if you want to receive the pleasure, and the same applies to the ladies.  The general idea of three people shagging each other is all three being active, at the same time, otherwise it’s just consecutive sex with two people, a ménage a deux, times deux.

I don’t speaka da francais, clearly.  Woi…

Rule No. 2b: Leave no (wo)man behind.

You have to make sure that no one is left out, not unless exhibitionism is a deliberate part of your scenario.  Don’t get so caught up in your own pleasure that you forget the other person in the room, especially if the other person is your lover, the one you oh so craftily talked into this brilliant plan.   Remember my words, they may come back to bite you, should you ignore them.  And if you’re the third party in the x-rated little play, and you’re being neglected?  Well then, suck it up and move on, huko si kwako, and besides, you can take care of yourself, no?  How else did you end up with two people, neither of whom are yours?  Next time pick buggers who are not so selfish.  Just saying.

Rule No. 3: Don’t get it twisted.

This sex is not ’making love’ sex.  Unless you’re in love with the two buggers you’re shagging, in which case this is ’making love’ sex, in a polyamorous way.  Either way, this is not the ’I shag you while I look deep into your eyes’ shag, so don’t go getting emotionally hysterical over each other.  This is why you don’t three way with people you have deep seated romantic feelings for. Stop frowning, there is no way you can shag two people you love without one of the people you love thinking you love the other one more.  That’s just the way it goes, human frailty and such like nonsense.  And if you abhor the idea of shagging someone you don’t love?  Perhaps you have no business shagging anyone other than the one you love.

Rule No. 4: Be safe.

Contrary to what our former speaker and such like idiots believe, condoms and contraception are not a bad thing, and neither are they illegal.  In case you remain unsure, our family courts are more than willing to convince you, nine months plus down the road, either that or you’ll make your doctor a rich(er) man.  Your choice.

Ladies and gentlemen, I’ve taken you as far as I can, the rest is up to you.  Go forth and trois, my lovelies, but if it goes wrong (and let’s face it, odds are it will, because you’re getting this information from the woman who was googling this on a Saturday night, all alone), don’t sue me, please.  If it goes well, however, I take all credit for your brilliance.  Feel free to tell me all about it, in detail.  I’m not kidding.  Yes, I am quite a deviant woman, with a fondness for free smut, but you already knew that, didn’t you?