Welcome to THE Kai Ni Kii? FOOLISH PLANS AWARDS 2013, the annual roll call of idiots who have done the most spectacularly foolish things. We would like them to know that their efforts at stupidity did not go unnoticed.
1. Foolish plan to stay free. UHURUTO
Ah…the dynamic duo. It takes a certain amount of brilliance to spend billions of shillings to get jobs that would keep you out of jail, in theory, when paying a couple of lawyers (and witnesses) significantly less would have achieved the same result. Genius plan. They hopped around the continent in expensive jets, spent all their time threatening anyone who would listen, dancing with the Chinese to spite the Brits and Yanks, and all so they could get their cases deferred? Deferred, as in postponed? That’s a lot of effort to go to for a temporary reprieve, especially for a couple of innocent chaps. Lucky for them, we’re picking up most of the tab these days. Hang on, this plan actually was brilliant. Dammit.
2. Foolish plan to win an election. RAILA ODINGA AND KALONZO MUSYOKA
These buggers… Exactly what crack were they smoking? What did they think, that the downtrodden masses would look at them and think, ‘Hmmm…even though they’ve gone out of their way to find new and improved ways of screwing each other over for the last five years, perhaps they’re just the buggers to sort us out, no?’ No. Turns out the masses were feeling nothing. Sorry.
3. Foolish Plan to…what was the plan exactly? THE 51%
Did you vote for Jubilee? Are you feeling a little cheated? Do you now see that when these politicians screw us, they screw all of us, irrespective of where you come from or who you voted for? Your Jubilee asses are no less sore than our CORD/AMANI/NARC KENYA/SISI KWA SISI/Dida’s party asses, not unless you buggers have VAT waivers, and special Jubilee cards that get you medical treatment when the doctors and nurses are on strike. You don’t, do you?
4. Foolish Plan to get laid. SONKO AND SHEBESH
In the realm of foolish plans to shag someone you shouldn’t be shagging, this one took the cup. They did what, these two geniuses? You know what the worst part was? Those pictures were not worth the furore, just a couple of strange selfies of a couple that should have known better than to take pictures of themselves in compromising situations. I can see them now, Sonko pleading, “Baibee, just one more one…” Useless buggers.
5. Foolish Plan to make sure others never get laid. THE FRENCH LOWER HOUSE OF PARLIAMENT
For a country with openly acknowledged mistresses for all and sundry, high and low, a law fining prostitutes’ clients seems a bit odd, no? A $2000 fine for paying for sex, and none for soliciting for said sex, seems like a good way to stamp out this most evil vice, but may I point out that the men being fined are paying, yaani willingly parting with money for the putang? I don’t get it. I get the concern that some prostitutes are in fact sex slaves, and that more needs to be done to curtail the sex trafficking fuelling the industry, but fining the buggers paying for sex? I don’t get it…
6. Foolish Plan to take over the world. AL SHABAAB
Lakini these chaps are special, third time on the list, for the same plan. You’d think they’ve realised the foolishness of their plan, but nooooo… They came to Nairobi with a plan to cause terror and terror they caused, at the heart of cosmopolitan (read plus wazungus) Nairobi no less. The flaw in the plan? One mall in the city doth not a country make, and shooting innocent shoppers, including innocent Muslim shoppers, does nothing for your cause. On the up side, seems they were watching ChuckNorris after all, judging by their guns.
7. Foolish Plan to save the country. PARLIAMENT
When not hiking their salaries and passing random bills, clearing KDF of looting allegations and forming commissions to investigate another arm of government, they found the time to withdraw Kenya from the ICC. Well, kinda. They voted to do it, which doesn’t actually amount to doing anything other than talking about it. And they didn’t all vote to do it, only the Jubilee side did. And not all of the Jubilee side. So…we’re still stuck with the imperialist bastards.
8. Foolish Plan to save face. OLE LENKU
Bloody nkt! I’d say more, but what for? This negro can do bad all by himself.
9. Foolish Plan to save the masses, one water bottle, sorry, mall at a time. KDF
Last year they were my heroes, for kicking ass in Somalia. This year, woi… First they shoot cops who were getting the job done, and then they kick them out of the building the cops had almost successfully cleared. Then they proceed to clear the mall, and when I say clear I mean clear, anything of remote value, small enough to fit into a paper bag. The clincher, they went on to peddle their loot on the streets of Nakuru and such like. Again I say, woi…
10. Foolish Plan to save Africa. FRANCE
They waded into Mali, to rescue the natives from the evil terrorists, and lo and behold, they succeeded, pushing the Al Qaeda wannabes back into the desert. Then the natives held an election and went back to doing what they do best, bickering. And they ate the gift camel. Ungrateful bastards, these natives. Still, the Frenchies get to try again, and in CAR there’s not much to lose, is there? Hmmm…
11. Foolish Plan to overthrow somebody, anybody. JULIUS MALEMA
Ah Juju… Bless him, this man is true genius. Not only did he manage to get kicked out of the ANC, he then went and formed his own party, the Economic Freedom Fighters, EFF, and they have red berets. Effing brilliant! There’s the minor matter of a corruption case, but my man Julius shall effing overcome. I can do this all effing day…
12. Foolish Plan to (mis)inform. THE MEDIA
The year began badly, with the media collectively going to sleep just when we needed them to wake up. They spent two months stroking politicians’ egos while telling the unhappy masses to be peaceful. Ask questions about the election process, the dodgy manifestos and the blatant propaganda? But why? They kept screaming peace as the IEBC fell to pieces and the Supreme Court took to rambling, later falling over themselves in awe at the inauguration. And then they went for tea at State House. By the time Westgate rolled around, they were so snug in the politicians’ back pockets, they were nestled firmly in the cracks therein. And now they talk of gagging? Gag what exactly?
13. Foolish Plan to (mis)represent. KETHI KILONZO
It’s always nice to have a lady on the list, especially one so educated. Pity about the whole no registration thing, and the subsequent lies.
14. Foolish Plan to (mis)manage. SHOLLEI AND SHOLLEI
The woman admitted to 33 counts, amounting to the loss or possible loss of 1.7B. 1.7 BILLION? That alone should see her locked up forever and ever. Her husband then proceeded to turn her unnecessarily messy dismissal into a national crusade against the evil JSC (lakini those allowances? What the hell, Willy?), revealing his media house as a sham of a news organisation (although, in fairness, their crap reporting had already convinced us of that fact). This delusional couple should get a lifetime achievement award for foolishness, given that they’ve been running their scams, sorry, businesses from back in the nineties.
15. Foolish Plan to go digital. THE LAPTOP PROJECT
In the realm of foolish plans, this one has taken the cake. Laptops for Standard One kids? Of all the silly promises they made on the campaign trail, this is the one they thought to implement? Exactly whose dumbass idea was this? Yes, dumbass. What the hell does a 7 year old child need a laptop for when he can barely read, or write, or type? If they had said tablets, I’d be all for it, but laptops? Really? And there’s not much clarity on the plan either, one report says 17.4B over three years to get the project off the ground including training and construction of computer labs, but yesterday it was 24B for 1.2M laptops. You’d think they’d have thought to use that money to build more schools first, and hire more teachers, and maybe even get round to overhauling the entire bloody curriculum such that every child can go digital too, and not just the little ones still learning their ABC’s.
Happy New Year folks.