You’re still not sure about him, are you?

So you have the man, and it looks like he plans on sticking around for a minute, or two, but you’re still not sure in what capacity he intends on doing so, right?  Men can be shifty like that, managing somehow to be both in and out of a relationship, at the same time.  You’re probably sitting there wondering if the man is planning on giving you a key to his digs, or his ATM password, or if he’s still wandering around out there looking for Ms Right, now that he’s found Ms Right Now. You want to ask him, but you don’t want to scare him away with your neediness, right?  Right?  Don’t bother being shy, round here shy only earns you evil looks, and the odd nkt!  You don’t want to scare him away, God forbid you become like his ex who demanded a wedding ring after three weeks.

That’s where I come in.  I’mma gon’ tell you whatcha need to be doin’…  (Sorry, been watching stand up, now I’m speaking in ebonics every so often, sounding like Chenehneh and shit.)  Because I clearly know everything about relationships, I am now going to share with you the wisdom I have carefully distilled from years of being single.

If you do not see the irony in that statement, stop reading right now, you are way too serious.

The 2013 Kai Ni Kii? Guide To Finally Getting A Man (Funky Soundtrack Included).

BOOK 3: ARE YOU HIS BABY (read, baibee…), OR HIS BABY MAMA (current or future), OR HIS MAMA (as in woman, not mother, or perhaps both, depending)?

Thanks to the brilliance of Book 2, you now have a man who is feeling you, only now you want to know how much he’s feeling you, because us women are never content unless we know exactly, and I do mean exactly, how the man feels.  Now you could make like an idiot (read, me) and ask him a bunch of questions he won’t answer, or worse still, he answers with cruel honesty.  Alternatively, you could take the smarter route, and use my questionnaire.  Yes, I’ve created a questionnaire, and yes, you will thank me when you are done.  Or not, depending, but if you’re unhappy just keep in mind that this brilliance is free (if you want quality advice you shouldn’t be looking for it on a bandia blog written by a crazy woman with no filter. Just saying…).

ARE YOU HIS BABY?

I said you wanna be startin’ somethin’
You got to be startin’ somethin’
It’s too high to get over (yeah, yeah)
Too low to get under (yeah, yeah)
You’re stuck in the middle (yeah, yeah)
And the pain is thunder (yeah, yeah)

1. Does he often call you after 9 pm?
a. yes
b. no
c. only when he’s been drinking
d. he never calls me

2. Does he often call you baby?
a. yes
b. no
c. only when he’s been drinking
d. he never calls me anything

3. Do you mind that he calls you baby?
a. no
b. yes
c. only when I’m sober
d. he never calls me anything

4. Do you still need me to tell you the obvious?
a. yes
b. no, dammit
c. what’s obvious?
d. what are you trying to say?

Now if you answered a. to all, then you my dear are his baby.  Wake up and smell the coffee, he does NOT know your name.  You’re that girl he calls when he needs whatever he needs, and odds are you are one of what I suspect are many.  ‘Baibee’ is not a term of affection, its a random term used to refer to the girl whose name he can’t be bothered to remember, sometimes interchanged with ‘Mrembo’, or ‘Shoree’.  Please note that this rule does not apply to ‘Babe’ (as in, babe in the woods, another way of saying ‘Hun’), that’s a term of affection, kinda, which is a fancy way of saying that you are no longer random.  You may not be as close as you think, but you’re not random.  Woohoo! for you.

For the rest of you, if you answered mostly b. then you’re clearly not his baby, and you’re way too clear-headed to be reading this nonsense.  If you’re a c. kinda girl, you’re either his booty call and you’re in denial, or you’re his booty call and you’re too drunk to realise.  If you answered d. to any, you are a stalker, and perhaps delusional.

ARE YOU HIS BABY MAMA?

If you can’t feed your baby (yeah, yeah)
Then don’t have a baby (yeah, yeah)
And don’t think maybe (yeah, yeah)
If you can’t feed your baby (yeah, yeah)
You’ll be always tryin’
To stop that child from cryin’
Hustlin’, stealin’, lyin’
Now baby’s slowly dyin’

1. Are you having unprotected sex with the man?
a. yes
b. no
c. only when he’s been drinking
d. we never have sex

2. Is that his decision or yours?
a. his
b. mine
c. both

3. Are you currently with child as a result of said sex?
a. yes
b. no
c. perhaps, I’m waiting to find out

4. Is he aware of said child?
a. yes
b. no
c. define aware

5. Is he happy about said child?
a. yes
b. no
c. define happy

When you hit a certain age, you quickly realise that protection is one of those calculated risks one takes in life.  Disease versus pregnancy, pregnancy now versus pregnancy later, emergency contraception versus plain ol’ protection, implant versus pill?  Decisions, decisions…  Thing is, if there is unprotected sex being had, then the risk of possible babies (and/or death) has been calculated and accepted, hopefully by both of you, and therefore you are either his current/future baby mama, or you have no issues with abortion/morning-after contraception, or you’re both too drunk to know better.  Don’t try to deny this, he may not have thought that far ahead, but you definitely have.

As to whether being his baby mama is a good thing or not, who the fuck knows?  I’m the idiot who’s averse to children.  Hell, I only put it in because it made the sentence work better.  Baby…baby mama…mama.  See?  Stop frowning, it’s free brilliance, remember?

ARE YOU HIS MAMA?

1. Have you met his friends?
a. yes
b. no
c. I’ve seen them from afar

2. Have you met his family?
a. yes
b. no
c. I’ve seen them from afar

3. Has he ever introduced you as anything other than ‘a friend’?
a. yes
b. no
c. introduced?

If you answered c. you are a most persistent stalker.  You need therapy.  If you’ve picked b. anywhere, pole sana, it’s not looking too good for you right now, but on the up side, it’s early enough that you can still turn things around.  I’m lying, by the way, that ship has sailed, but I figure I don’t have to spell it out to you, being that you’re smart enough to answer a questionnaire and everything.  I could be wrong though, I usually am.

Lift your head up high
And scream out to the world
I know I am someone
And let the truth unfurl
No one can hurt you now
Because you know what’s true
Yes, I believe in me
So you believe in you
Help me sing it…

And if you answered a.’s, bite me, you bloody cow.  You already know you’re his woman, you just wanted to show off, didn’t you?

ma ma se, ma ma sa, ma ma ku sa…
ma ma se, ma ma sa, ma ma ku sa…

I refuse to tell you about this song, because we must have some basic standards here, no?  Probably not.