Football made in…Africa?

It’s only on this continent where a white coach can accuse a black coach of racism, for calling him a white man (Malawi report Keshi to FIFA for racism).

Apparently Mr Saintfiet was unhappy with the decision to stage the next World Cup qualifier between Malawi and Nigeria in Calabar.  Seems Mr Saintfiet “was citing a British Foreign and Commonwealth Office advisory (read here) that described Calabar as a no-travel area because of fears of terrorism and violent crime.  Malawi requested FIFA move the game.”  Well then, if the Brits say its a no go area, then I guess you shouldn’t go there, because we all know how accurate those advisories are (see their advisory on Kenya, where they warn you not to go to Eastleigh, because of the terrorists, and “Beware of thieves posing as police officers. Always ask to see identification.”, because our cops will always show you their ID’s…).

One thing though, didn’t our own Harambee Stars play in Calabar not too long ago, without incident?  Yes, it’s that Calabar, where our venerable (ahem) Stars were allegedly mistreated.  Also successful host of previous qualifiers.  But that’s beside the point.  Point is, Bwana Keshi called a white man a white man.  What he actually said was, “If he wants to talk to FIFA, he should go back to Belgium. He is not an African person, he is a white dude. He should go back to Belgium… All other countries play in Calabar. Calabar is one of the safest places in Nigeria… He is mad. I wish I could say it to his face.”  Racism?  Really, Mr Saintfiet?

It’s only on this continent where two games can end 79-0 and 67-0, on the same day.   True story.

Apparently two teams, Plateau United Feeders and Police Machine (real names) went into the last day of the season tied on points, with a promotion spot up for grabs.  I assume they were also tied on goal difference, hence their attempts to outscore each other.  Feeders won their game 79-0, scoring 72 goals in the second half (that’s about a goal every 40 seconds or so, on average), while Machine won 67-0, scoring 61 in their second half (a goal every 50 seconds).  Now, I’ve never played a competitive game of football, but a goal a minute seems somewhat ludicrous, given that there are two teams on the pitch, ideally playing against each other.

A journalist who saw Bubayaro’s defeat against Police Machine, and who asked not to be identified in order to protect his own safety, told BBC Sport: “In the second half, we started witnessing outrageous own goals, free-kicks and terrible goalkeeping. Feeders blasted goal after goal past Bubayaro. Officials of the club turned into emergency ball boys, instead of retrieving the ball from the net, they quickly threw another ball into the centre circle. It was ridiculous, because the losing side didn’t make any effort and the officiating was abysmal, with controversial calls being made and unaccounted additional minutes played.”

The owner of Bubayaro immediately disowned and disbanded the team, and all four teams received 10 year bans from the Nigerian Football Federation.

All I want to know is, who came up with this brilliant plan?  Everyone knows to not score more than 10 goals in a fixed match, they should have gotten tips from us.  Remember Mumias Sugar, Bribery probe for Kenyan football champs?

And just to prove that specialness is not unique to us natives…

Shakhter Karagandy “has been warned by UEFA that if the club continues to slaughter sheep before a game it will face possible sanctions.”  That’s right, these buggers killed a sheep before a game, all traditional like, inside their stadium.  Seems they like to do that in Kazakhstan.  Not a problem, right?  Wrong.  According to the geniuses at UEFA HQ, “…animal slaughter on a football pitch or in a stadium before, during or after a UEFA competition match – or with reference to a UEFA competition – is totally improper, and will not be tolerated.”  Now while I care deeply for animals and stuff, come on…  Animal slaughter?  Ritual sacrifice?  That’s a bit hysterical, no?  To quote their coach, “All I can say is that every team and every club has its own pre-match traditions and rituals.Shakhter Karagandy warned with Uefa sanctions over sheep sacrifice When asked if they planned to repeat the ritual in Scotland, the man answered in the affirmative, and when asked where the animal would come from, he replied, “As far as we know in Scotland the agriculture is very developed so it shouldn’t be an issue to find a sheep.

Now this is a white man who can come coach in Africa.  Sorry, a light skinned fellow.  Let it not be said I’m a racist…