You went out and identified a man who you think might just be the right man for you. Good for you. Problem is, now you have to figure out what to do with bastard, no? No? What, kwani you buggers know what to do with a random man when you angukia him? Be honest… Thought so. These men they are confusing, just when you think it’s all good, they turn around and start acting like twats. But not to worry, that’s what Dr A is for. I am going to make like a bullshit expert and tell you how to move your newly acknowledged infatuation from ’Could it be?’ to ’Yeah…perhaps…no!’
The 2013 Kai Ni Kii? Guide To Finally Getting A Man (Funky Soundtrack Included).
BOOK 2: HOW TO TELL IF A GUY IS FEELING YOUR ASS, OR ONLY WANTS TO FEEL YOUR ASS, OR PERHAPS FEELS YOU SHOULD WALK YOUR ASS AWAY.
Because Book 1 proved so useful… What? Si you have a man now? Granted, you don’t know what to do with him, but that’s how I get to make money off your ignorant behind, with Book 2, see? Good plan, no? No? You’re reading, aren’t you? Insert my evil laughter here… As I was saying, thanks to Book 1, you identified a man who really likes you. Well woohoo! for you, you are one step closer to your happily ever after. But wait, before you go out and buy your fluffy white dress, slow your roll for a minute and ask yourself, is the man looking to keep you, or just borrow you, or maybe give you away to someone else? That’s right, after the giddy optimism of the initial heady days of electricity and unrequited (or perhaps requited) chemistry, all those lovely infatuated moments we love to get excited over, now comes the hard part, the harsh reality. Once your hormones die down and your dopamine levels return to acceptable levels, you have the unenviable decision to make. Should I stay or should I go?
Now because no self help on the internet is complete without a mindless test, let’s have one, shall we? Listen to the three MJ tracks on the soundtrack (50-52 on the YouTube playlist) and then answer the following:
1. Which of the three songs made you think about said man (or woman, because I know you buggers are playing along)?
2. When you thought of him, did you?
a. SMILE, GOOFILY
b. SMILE, WISTFULLY
e. GROWL, IN A GOOD WAY
3. Now which of the three songs do you think he would use to describe you?
4. The real answer this time, not the one you like?
5. Last question, and I need you to think long and hard about this one. Isn’t the second song a bloody classic?
b. HELL YES!
If you answered anything but b) to the last question, get out of my house, you ignorant philistine. And if you answered EH?, leave too, because you can’t be bothered to play my tunes. That’s why you don’t know what’s going on, bloody cheapass!
You want the other results, don’t you, because you think I may actually have some insight to offer? Say it with me…really? You just answered your own niggling questions, my lovelies, but because you need someone to tell you what you already know, you continue to give your money to a bunch of idiots who claim to have all the answers. Ahem. I will proceed.
1. Does he want you to move your ass the fuck on?
If at any point you picked the first song, ’Billie Jean’, my friend, the writing is on the wall. Not only is your new found relationship on its death bead, the priest is standing over its rapidly cooling body smearing olive oil on its poor forehead. Let it go, accept and move on. Don’t even try and tell me sijui it has a funky beat, I gave you options.
I know (and you know I know this one only too well), this is a hard one to accept, because odds are you’re hoping he feels, how do you say, different. In his defence though, it’s possible that he realised that it wasn’t going to work out only after he got to know you better, and found out that you have the unfortunate habit of picking your nose in public, and now he’s trying to figure out how best to bump you off. Odds are he has taken to ignoring your phone calls, and texts, and generally being unavailable. Sound familiar? You, my dear, are his Billie Jean. Leave now while you still have some pride left, before you get to my CSW levels of desperation (creepy stalker woman, by the way, not commercial sex worker, although desperate times do call for desperate measures, no? Perhaps not.).
For forty days and forty nights,
The law was on her side,
But who can stand when she’s in demand,
Her schemes and plans,
Cause we danced on the floor in the round,
So take my strong advice,
Just remember to always think twice…
Yes, it’s disappointing, but tell me you haven’t met a guy and realised he wasn’t quite what you were expecting, a month or two down the line? You do it too, often I’m guessing. Well, shoe’s on the other foot, so get over it, and get over yourself, and move on with your fine self. More fish in the sea and what not.
2. Does he want to feel your ass, and not much else?
Love is a feeling,
Give it when I want it,
’Cause I’m on fire,
Quench my desire,
Give it when I want it,
Talk to me woman,
Give in to me…
If you picked ’Give In To Me’ (for ye stubborn buggers who still haven’t played the tunes, that would be the second track), especially in reply to number 1, then yours is lust. Good growling lust, because you must have growled, in a good way, no? The good news is, if you picked the same song for him in number 4, then you’re both horny little bastards. Enjoy your blissfully carnal relationship. At least until one of you gets bored and moves on in search of a new high. I’m just saying…
If, however, this song was picked only once, then you might have a bit of a problem, because you two are not on the same page. If you think this song describes how he feels for you, then you already know that he’s looking for a little sumthin’ sumthin’. Yes, he may also be looking for love and happiness, all that good stuff, but if he was then you’d probably have picked the third song. Come now, no one who wants more than sex readily admits to the object of their affection not wanting more as well, we are nothing if not delusional, no? Unfortunately for us, if it walks like a duck, and it talks like a duck, my lovely, odds are it will fuck like a bloody duck (unless it’s a brightly coloured chicken masquerading as a duck, in which case…you’re a bit fucked, possibly over. Ah well…). What should you do? Well, you can hold out long enough for him to get tired of waiting and bugger off in search of an easier target. Or perhaps he’ll relent and give you the deep and meaningful relationship you want, sans the sex he wants. Then again, he might relent, and all the while keep getting what he wants from another, but at least you won’t be the one getting screwed.
I am so bad at this motivation crap it’s a miracle I haven’t been sued yet…
The moral of the song is this. If he’s growling lustily and you’re dancing through the proverbial flowers, Disney fantasy in mind, then do the safe thing and walk on by, you’ll live to prance another day. Put differently, a single swallow doth not a summer make, so don’t go thinking if you shag him he’ll be more inclined to stick around. He won’t.
3. Is he feeling you?
The reason this comes last is because it’s a process of elimination, think Ockham’s razor, but with a slightly blunt razor (hence my possibly flawed logic). Assuming that you’ve decided that the man isn’t trying to exit stage right, and he’s not just interested in your honey, honey, then you have no choice but to conclude that he’s interested in you, all of you, not just your woman bits. Hence the song, ’I Just Can’t Stop Loving You’, a syrupy ballad if ever I heard one. Hang on, not so fast. Don’t start tripping fantastic yet, just because MJ likes to wax lyrical about love, that doesn’t mean you should, the man was not sane, and apparently he was high on expensive shit too (explains the genius bit though). Feeling you does not equal love, it just means he wants more than a warm body on a cold night. Remember, it’s early days yet.
You know how I feel,
This thing can’t go wrong,
I’m so proud to say I love you,
Your love’s got me high,
I long to get by,
This time is forever, love is the answer…
You really picked this song? Remind me again how you ended up on my cynical blog? I worry for you…
I’m guessing your romantic behind is not too satisfied with my simple elimination theory, yes? Not enough drama for you? Fine, let’s try a less scientific approach. You could make like a creepy woman and engage in a bit of subterfuge, such as we do, stalk his facebook page, his twitter account, his home address, his work address, his bar…hell, just stalk the man, live and in person, if you feel so led. You know, the usual. Problem is, all that gets you is a lot of information about his drinking habits and his favourite football team, and not much else. So he recently friended a girl with a hot picture and a stated fondness for body shots (and reading, because the hot chicks on facebook just love to read, don’t they?), that doesn’t mean he’s taking shots off her seemingly tight body, does it? Does it? The answer we’re looking for is no, yes? Nod now. Good girl. Rather than drive yourself mad with random pieces of information, why not try the new improved Kai ni kii? approach, proven to work in most situations (not) involving normal people? See, all you have to do is…wait for it…nothing. Wait, don’t leave, there’s more.
Doing nothing is not as nothing as it sounds. You simply need to sit back and watch, and listen. If the man is feeling you, then the poor bastard can’t help himself, he’ll tell you, and show you, and then beg you if you appear unconvinced. All you have to do is figure out what language he’s speaking, because you know he no speaka da english. And how do you do that? Do I even need to say it? That’s right, wait for Book 3.
Yes, I’m laughing, and yes, it’s evil my laughter. And yes, I do in fact have a lot of spare time on my hands, clearly.
The Only Relationship Book You Ever Need To Buy is definitely worth a read, and the comments are even better.