Reke ngwire ati nowe, nowe
Nowee tu nyendete
Wendo waku no uhe, uhe
Tene na teene…

Harry Kimani is a sexy man.  Yes, I said it, and no, I’m not taking it back.  He’s not pretty, but the man is so damn sexy, walalala…  And if that’s not enough, he has real skill.  He’s also rumoured to have some substance issues, but he’s a musician, I’d be surprised if he didn’t, no?  Now because I am feeling somewhat frustrated today by the greedy politicians, idiot press and hyperventilating social media types, I thought to play a love song, because I need to use the word ‘haiya’ in a context other than ‘what the fuck man?’, if only so I don’t slap someone.  For those of you who do not speaka da Kuyo, don’t worry, translations will be provided, on request.  As is always the case with the Kenyan tracks, the lyrics are courtesy of Ghafla!, and they’ve posted the video as well, so you can go watch this sexy, sexy man, in a waterfall.  Bless their kind souls.

Now, I must say something about this laptop story, because I’m starting to think they may actually try to pull it off, the geniuses they are.  Haiya?  What exactly is the plan here?  Are they going to get these kids some kiddie laptops, with basic functions, big buttons and colourful screens, or are they giving them MacBooks and such like fancy gadgetry?  Because if its the latter, then I’ll have you know, I will have a 6 year old child come January.  I’m just saying, mama needs her an apple.  Or three.  Triplets…good plan, no?  Seriously though, what’s the plan?  You have teachers who, for the most part, have no access to computers, some of whom (I dare say) are not entirely computer literate, and they’re expected to teach these kids what exactly?  And what does a child in Standard One, 6 or 7 years old, do with a laptop, pray tell?  I’m all for reading at an early age, but I don’t think Wikipedia is the way to go here.  And how will my most genius government ensure that these free laptops, a. get to intended recipients, without being diverted to some fat cats’ ‘next generation computer college’, and b. stay with intended recipients, without baba/mama watoto selling it off to buy something completely frivolous like, say, food?  And let’s not even talk about the procurement process, I’m still foaming at the mouth over my 7 Billion plus worth of nonsense election thingimajigis.  I know I’m always sceptical, especially when it comes to government, but could someone please tell me how this plan will work?  Anyone?

And speaking of government, do we have one yet?  I mean a complete one, with ministers and PS/secretaries/random flunkies, ambassadors, parastatal heads, chiefs, commission chairmen, police honchos, assistant somethings…you know, government?  I only ask because I don’t know, because I’ve been trying very hard not to read the papers, because the idiot press have sunk to new lows, and I’m tired of giving them my peni mbili.  Of course, now that I have to go online for my headlines, I’m now giving said peni mbili to the geniuses at Orange, also known as Telkom bloody Kenya, home of the most pleasant and efficient customer care, they who you often feel the need to talk to a couple of times a week, because your (and I say this in jest) broadband is no longer, umm, broad.  I have digressed.   Government?  Come to think of it, does my city have a government either?  Haiya…

Incidentally, even as I take shots at the idiot press, even I have to admit they seem to be looking for other stories to tell, from the Standard and their never ending series on youth and unemployment, to the East African’s analysis of government spending, through to the Saturday Nation’s sports archives.  But despite this, they still dedicate what looks like the bulk of their space to nonsense politics.  Why, pray tell, is there a story about Raila on the front page today?  They’re busy telling me about the government’s plan to tax basic items like bread and, ahem, newspapers, talking about taxing the poor to pay for allegedly frivolous laptops and greedy MP’s, without bothering to ask any real questions about poverty, and wealth.  Why is it I have to stumble upon this, Secrecy Savannah: Is Kenya being Shaped into Africa’s Flagship Tax Haven?, on an obscure website, instead within the pages of that which claims to inform me?   And its not just world economy/conspiracy type stories being ignored by our journos (they still haven’t picked up on the drones in Africa story, despite the fact that the Americans really are watching us), Review – Kenya Special talks about Kenyan music from the 70’s and 80’s, now being re-released to new audiences, in Africa, and this coming from a man in London or thereabouts.  Or how about this one, Experts Weekly – What Africa Agriculture Needs, and here they’ve interviewed a Stephen Muchiri, CEO of the Eastern Africa Farmers Federation (EAFF), a Kenyan expert?  All I’m asking is this, why aren’t our media houses telling us these stories, instead of endlessly speculating on why Mutula died, and which of his relatives will run for his seat?  Say it with me…idiot press.

I detoured again.  This was supposed to be about the news making headlines, only by my count, there’s not much to talk about, is there?  Ah yes, the croissant saga.  I take back what I said about idiot press, seems they’re taking their cues from us, raia.  Now don’t get me wrong, I abhor racism, and I feel very strongly about bad service, but a bugger not getting his many croissants?  At how many hundred shillings a pop?  Get the fuck out…  No really, that’s what he was told, to get the fuck out.  Haiya!   Listen, us natives have been facing some form of discrimination or the other in high end establishments for years, and yet we keep going back to the same establishments, giving them more and more of our money.  Here’s a thought, just don’t go to places that don’t value your custom.   Stop whining on the internet and put your money where your mouth is.  The day people stop ringa-ing about going for lunch at that and such like restaurants, with overpriced coffee and miniscule snacks, and all because its the place to be seen, what with all the wazungus and shit, that’s when I’ll take their concerns about racism seriously.  Until then, I have slightly more pressing issues.

Which brings me back to my man Harry, he of the sexy, sexy chest fame…

Matuku makwa mothe, mothe
Umuthi ruciu na ooke
Ngoro irauga njuke, njuke
Njuke hari we..eeee
Haiya haiya haiya haiya…

Now if you’ll excuse me, I must go tend to my sewer, because if I don’t post some filth this week, I fear I might be lynched.