What you mother didn’t tell you about sex.

This lovely December I’ve been hanging with my similarly geriatric pals and family, spending time in bars and clubs that play real music, music done before a girl became famous for wearing meat and such like nonsense, but despite this, today’s soundtrack is the one song I haven’t heard yet.

Folks, it’s a crying shame that this classic has been relegated to our collective rusty memories.  Salt ‘n Pepa were the female rap crew of the mid 80’s through to the 90’s, earning respect for their funky beats and raunchy lyrics, this in an age of gangsta rap that more often than not included frequent references to dealing crack and shooting bitches in the face.  For those of us who were teenagers when they came out, these women showed us that rap was not strictly for men, and that a rapper could also wear luminous green tights and boots and still look bloody good.  I, for one, took their various lessons to heart and to this day often insist on talking about sex…

Now we talk about sex on the radio and video shows,
Many will know anything goes,
Let’s tell it how it is and how it could be,
How it was and of course how it should be,
Those who think it’s dirty, have a choice,
Pick up the needle, press pause or turn the radio off,
Will that stop us, Pep? I doubt it,
All right then, come on, Spin…

Every so often you’ll read a fluffy piece of nonsense in the papers extolling the virtues of sex aunts, therapists, experts, all manner of idiots (self) proclaiming great knowledge in (and they say this with a suitably snooty accent) the art of sex.  The way they tell it, we Kenyans are a bunch of repressed prudes lacking in sexual knowledge, or expertise, seeing as how we lack older and wiser members of society willing to divulge the secrets.  With the exception of a couple of tribes at the Coast, the rest of us hinterland types are ignorant, relying on imported Ugandan women and dodgy internet porn to educate ourselves on the finer points of carnal pleasure.  That’s what they tell us, but is that really the case?

Growing up in the 80’s, sex education was limited to a chapter in a science textbook, a (disturbingly) slim chapter with two drawings, one a full frontal sketch of a naked woman with her ovaries, fallopian tubes, uterus and vagina conveniently exposed, and a similar one of a naked man, but his with a convenient cross section of his pelvis, to show us his testes and penis, and nothing else.  The purpose of these drawings was to show us why our bodies were changing (sprouting boobs and dropping balls) and how babies are made, because that could be the only reason for these changes.   Now when you’re in Standard 5 and the teacher tells you that sex is only for procreation, you do not question her wisdom, not until you get to Standard 8 and the boy you like pinches your tiny boobs, and you kinda like it.  As your hormones begin their ascendancy, you begin to suspect that there may be more to (said with a guilty whisper) sex than you have been led to believe.  Problem is, there’s no one you can talk to, save for your similarly ignorant friends and your oh so moral parents.  Suffice to say these conversations weren’t had, or if they were, seldom shed any form of useful light on the matter.

Fast forward to your early 20’s, you’re finally out of your mother’s house, with a bit more information in your pocket; you know to use a condom to avoid getting pregnant, because getting pregnant is the worst thing that could happen to you, HIV coming a distant second.  Whatever other nuggets you have in your youngling brain have been gleaned from the hasty fumbling of your youth (insert A into B, rub vigorously, wait for reaction), and cheap porn watched surreptitiously at your neighbour’s house party (insert A, or B, into C, suck vigorously, wait for reaction).  Your knowledge involves to how to get off, for boys, and how to get him off, for girls, as fast as possible.  The notion of sex as pleasure, and not just simple release, is so completely alien, you wouldn’t get it even if you were paid, and that’s to be expected.  Thing is, from what I’ve been reading this year, buggers still don’t get it, and they’re not even trying to.  Yes, the boys have learnt that getting the girl off can be a good thing, depending, and the girls have learnt to get themselves off, usually when the boy is not present, but the concept of pleasure, giving and receiving, I fear not.

Let’s talk about sex, baby,
Let’s talk about you and me,
Let’s talk about all the good things,
And the bad things that may be,
Let’s talk about sex…

Now I have been banging my better sex for all drum for about a year now, but I have an audience of fucking 22 (Get it?  Fucking 22?  Good, no?  No?  Ah screw you…), clearly my message is not getting across to the masses.  If the last week spent crawling from bar to bar was any indication, the days of instant, and mindless, gratification are nowhere near over, the younglings, and geriatric bastards, continue to pursue unsatisfying sex with reckless abandon.  Shame man!  Because I’m a kind and generous soul, and because I’m tired of having next to no options for a quality shag, I shall now endeavour to dispense some (possibly ridiculous) sex tips to you, the masses, all 22 of you, in the hopes that you will spread the love around and make us a happier nation.  I must warn you though, I will have to get crude, possibly cruder than usual.  That’s the disclaimer for all you fragile types who blush at the sound, or sight, of cunnilingus.  On the up side though, this brings my month of sewer to a delightful, if somewhat lengthy, conclusion.

I can practically see you clicking off in a huff as I type…

This is what your mother, or father, should have told you about sex, but didn’t, or couldn’t.  And yes, they can thank me later.

1. Sex must always be safe.

I know, that’s the first thing you were told once you hit the age of consent, protect yourself.  What they didn’t tell you is that safety is not just about protection from disease and unwanted pregnancy, safe sex is also about protecting yourself, literally.  Violent sex is a not an option, unless you have given your explicit consent, and sex shouldn’t hurt, unless you want it to.  The men reading this are wondering what the hell I’m going on about, but this one is not for them, it’s for the ladies.  Sometimes you’ll shag a man who’s too vigorous for your liking, or who pushes you to do things you’re not comfortable with, or who insists on acts you perhaps consider demeaning, and you go along with it because he’s your man, your love, or your meal ticket.  No more.  If you’re sore, tell him to stop.  If pushing you into awkward positions hurts your back, tell him no.  If he insists on sticking his dick up your ass (and this is the one time I use that phrase literally) and you don’t want him to, then push him off and leave.  Your safety and comfort must always come first ladies, no matter how much you think you love the bastard.

2. Sex is fun.

That I have to state this most basic fact is depressing, but there you have it.  Folks, there’s more to sex than the orgasm, and if you don’t know that then you are clearly not doing it right.  Slow down and take some time to appreciate the journey, there are many different levels of pleasure just waiting to be discovered once you stop focusing on the destination.  Am I being too cryptic?  I suspect I am, but this one is a bit harder to describe, no?  I used to think it was a chick thing, revelling in the pleasure before the come, until I finally met a couple of (grown) men who shared my thinking.  Call it age, or misguided wisdom, but sometimes a hand running down your back feels just as good as a tongue on your nipple.

3. Sex is, in fact, quite dirty, and that’s a very good thing.

If you put two horny animals together they will make a mess, that’s just the way nature goes.  The idea, however, that this mess is a bad thing, a dirty thing that should be avoided, is simply ridiculous.  This is the one puritanical yoke round our necks that we must dispense with forthwith.  It’s only natural that you will feel the need to suck on each other, or that your body will emit all manner of strange smelling fluids, or that you sometimes shag while standing.  Get over it!  I assure you, the world will not end because you like to slap her on the bum from time to time.  Well, not unless she’s Mayan, and her daddy has a big stone calendar thingi in his living room, in which case you might want to tread carefully.

4. A blow job is about pleasure and power, for both of you.

A friend of mine once told me that a man never gets a blow job from his wife, something about the mother of his children sucking his dick being unacceptable behaviour.  Now if I was one of those buggers who likes to put pictures in their posts, I’d put up a picture of the look of sheer horror on my face when he said that, but I’m not, so I’ll describe it instead.  Think Jim Carrey in ‘Bruce Almighty’, after he asks ‘God’ how many fingers he’s holding up and he pulls out his hand to find seven…that’s right, I was in shock, and fear.  I don’t know if the blow job hang up is about the dirty sex thing, or if some people find it genuinely abhorrent behaviour, but I do know that I have never, ever, met a man who does not like to have his dick sucked.  Ever.  See the thing is, sex is about submission and control and taking a man in your mouth, or letting a woman take you in her mouth, is exactly both.  Sometimes you have to let go and give someone the power to give you pleasure, just like sometimes you have to put yourself in a position of submission to gain control.  Ladies, if you refuse to blow your man and he says he’s fine with it, he’s lying.  Gents, if you think asking her to do it is a bad, bad thing, loosen up and get over yourself, the world will not end because you came in her mouth, not unless she chokes to death, in which case you might have a hard time explaining her demise to her Mayan father.

5. Going down on a woman is not a favour, it’s a basic human right.

In keeping with the sucking theme, you buggers need to realise that women like it just as much as you do.  Now our men, and I say this with what little respect I have left for you buggers, do not like to go down on their women, claiming that we smell funny, or taste worse.  Bollocks!  What you are too scared to say is that you have absolutely no idea what to do down there, so it scares you shitless to even try.  Fair enough, the unknown can often be a scary place to go, but allow me to educate you on the finer points of cunnilingus:

  1. Find her clitoris (here’s a hint, it’s not inside her vagina).
  2. The phrase ‘eat pussy’ is not literal, please do not bite her there.  Ever.
  3. The lighter your touch the better. Do not suck on it like it’s a thorn you’re trying to pull out of your finger, or press it repeatedly like a broken door bell (there’s a joke in there somewhere…), that shit hurts.
  4. When she says stop, stop.
  5. Do not stop until she says stop.

And just for the record, if you have never gone down on your woman and she has never asked you to, either you’re a lucky man whose (unlucky) woman doesn’t know what she’s missing, or you have the most gifted fingers and she has no need for your mouth, or, if you use neither fingers nor tongue, she has someone else going down on her (why do you think Wafula at the gate is smiling at you like that?).

I think a few more people just left…

6. You have more erogenous zones than you think.

Thanks to the dodgy drawings we were subjected to, we erroneously believe that our sexual organs are limited to our mouths, boobs, vaginas and dicks.  Well I hate to break it to you, but they were wrong, so wrong, because for as long as there is a nerve ending on any given part of your body, it’s a zone just waiting to be discovered.  No really, the body is a veritable cornucopia of pleasure (how brilliant is that phrase?).  Glance, stroke, lick, suck, nibble and smell your way up and down each other, because you have 5 senses, so use them, all of them.  And because I know you’re looking at the screen with one eye right now, in doubt, I want you to try it for yourself, and if you prove me wrong I will buy you all the (probably cheap) whiskey you can drink.

7. You have a voice, use it.

I’m not telling you to become a screaming banshee, that shit only works in cheap porn, and stand-alone houses.  I’m talking about talking, literally.  It may come as a bit of a surprise to some of you, but your partner cannot read your mind.  If you want him to suck your toes, tell him.  If you want her to get all cowgirl on your ass, tell her.  Part of maturity, sexual maturity included, is knowing what you want and not being afraid to ask for it.  Note, I said ask, not demand, just because you have someone in your bed that doesn’t give you the right to insist on tying them up and whipping them with a studded harness, for example.  And just for the record, if you’re with someone and you don’t feel comfortable enough to ask for whatever (possibly kinky) little perversion is in your mind, then you need to consider that maybe you’re with the wrong person.  I’m just saying…

8. Your mind must be aroused too.

If I say any more about this, I will probably be lynched.  Ladies and gentlemen, its now official, your mind need to be turned on too, and don’t forget to take it to bed with you, the last thing you want is mind-numbingly boring sex.  Think of sex and your mind as Jay Z and Kanye, they’re both really good on their own, but together they are mind fuck brilliant.

9. Getting naked is a process.

If you watch typical ‘bang bang’ porn, you know that the women first appear in scanty clothing, and then two seconds later they’re buck naked and, well, bucking.  If, however, you take the time to watch slightly more upmarket porn (read porn made with a female audience in mind) or erotica, or soap operas, you’ll notice that significant time is accorded to the whole ‘taking her clothes off’ thing, layer by infuriating layer.  Gentlemen, women like to be disrobed, not undressed, or, god forbid, stripped.  Understand that it’s not only about seduction, its also about comfort, getting naked in front of someone is intimidating for all but the most practised of langas.  The same way you have a brief moment of insecurity when you drop your shorts and wonder if she thinks your dick is fabulous, she’s standing there wondering if you can see her cellulite in that light.  Go slow, and reassure her.  I know, its a chick thing, but trust me, you want your woman feeling sexy when she’s shagging you, because that way she’ll shag you like a superstar, maybe even like a porn star.

10. Being naked is just as important as getting naked.

It’s one thing to get naked with someone, but it’s another thing to be truly naked.  Having sex with someone is a level of intimacy that demands that you let your guard down, at least long enough to let go of your inhibitions.  In one of life’s more evil mysteries, the more you loosen up and enjoy yourself, the higher the stakes get, no?  The reason sex is so complicated is simply because lowering your guard increases your exposure, and the last thing anyone one wants is to be vulnerable to someone else, especially when the someone else in question is not someone you know well enough to trust not to hurt you.  I’m not going to sit here and tell you not to shag buggers you don’t know well, but I will tell you that to have great sex you might want to get to know the buggers a bit better, enough that you can lose yourself in the moment, without worrying who will find you when you’re done.

My cheap 2 cents.

Yo, Pep, I don’t think they’re gonna play this on the radio.
And why not?  Everybody has sex!
I mean, everybody should be makin’ love…
Come on, how many guys you know make love?

Come on, is this not a most classic tune?