Morning Wood!

You might not want to read this one in the office.

I’m in the mood for lovin’,
We’ll be touchin’, we’ll be huggin’,
I’m in the mood for lovin’,
We’ll get into…

Mr Thicke will be my undoing one of these days…  The song is ‘Its in the morning’, featuring one of Snoop’s most dodgy raps ever, and for a man who’s high most of the time that’s saying something.  The song is off his ‘Sex Therapy’ album, an album that is very accurately titled and absolutely brilliant.  Don’t listen to it when your mother is in the car, is all I’m saying, but definitely play it for your mama, or man, as the case may be.

It’s in the morning, sex in the morning…

Do I even need to put in a disclaimer?  Fine, for the benefit of the newbies in the house today, welcome to the sewer.  Kindly remove all valuables (read upright, I mean uptight, all uptight morals) and leave your inhibitions by the door.  Don’t worry, you’ll pick them up on your way out, assuming you don’t get lost in the morass.  If you are offended by the words ‘dick’ or ‘penis’, leave now.  I will throw in frequent, but never gratuitous, references to (possibly deviant) sexual acts, and I will find a convoluted way of using the words stiff, hard, rod, stick and shag, in one sentence.  Stop blushing, I told you not to read it at work.  What if your boss walks past right now?  You just looked up and scanned the room, didn’t you?  Now you look even guiltier, you idiot, do you not know how to watch porn at your desk?  You just chuckled, didn’t you, nasty little pervert you…

I originally set out to write a post about what men want, but after a quick google and getting very many sex related results, I quickly realised that post would be quite short.  Turns out men want sex, and lots of it.  Who knew?  Sure, they want other things too, like love and such like nonsense, but why would I want to write about something I clearly know nothing about?  Why not write about something much more useful, like why men love having sex in the morning so damn much, and how to get them to stop, because that’s something I know more about, no?  Turns out not so much.

I once dated a guy who gave the description ‘morning person’ a whole new meaning.  This bugger would wake up at 5 in the a.m., every morning, and I mean every single morning, raring to go, and when I say go, I mean go.  He’d be up at an ungodly hour, when the world was still dark and the birds were still fast asleep, fresh as a daisy, and then he would insist on waking me up for what he called ‘a morning work-out’, yaani a loose hour or so of rousing sex.  You know how every so often you read one of those Aunt Tabby sex columns, and there’s a  mama complaining about how her man insists on having sex first thing when she just wants to sleep a bit more?  I always used to read them and think to myself, ‘Nkt!  That silly cow doesn’t know how good she has it.  Ati a man who wants to shag you all the time and you’re bitching?  Why, woman?’  Karma, my friends, she is a bitch.

The first time the man woke me up I thought, ‘Hubba hubba…’ and eagerly rolled over (it was the morning after the first night before), and the next morning he woke me up I thought, ‘I can get used to this…’, but on the third morning I thought to myself, ‘What the hell…  Does this man never sleep?’  After another weekend spent with the man, getting next to no sleep, because we would sleep late and he would wake us up ridiculously early, I sat him down for a little chat.  I patiently tried to explain how different our body clocks were, and how I couldn’t go back to sleep once I’m up, no matter how tired I am, and why I needed to stop (to quote Katt Williams) ‘waking up before Jesus’ if I was to be suitably functional later that same day.  His response was, ‘Well, why don’t you go to bed earlier?’ to which I pointed out that we had been getting to bed early, and not sleeping.  He agreed, grinning, and not remotely sympathetic.  Finally, we struck a compromise, he wouldn’t wake me up before 6 in the a.m., and he didn’t for a couple of nights, then he conveniently forgot our agreement and reverted to type.  After about a month, I learnt how to engage in foreplay while still half asleep, earning myself an extra twenty minutes of sleep.  What?  Don’t look at me like that, he knew and he didn’t mind, hell, I suspect he liked that he got to do whatever he wanted with me, without interference from my demanding ass.  That last bit could be misconstrued to mean very many things, no?  Ah well…  I never thought I would ever be forced to say these words, but there is such a thing as the wrong time for sex, and for me that time is 5 in the fucking a.m., yes?

Gentlemen, what is it about that morning hard-on that makes it so bloody urgent?  Is it that you dream about sex, or is it an automatic response, your dick getting hard is your cue to get up, so to speak?  Now because I hate to remain an ignorant idiot, I thought to do some reading, this after a troubling conversation last Thursday night, with a man who sought to convince me that his ‘majestically hard cock’ in the morning is the best thing in the world, and must not be wasted.  Soon after that disclosure, he invited me to his house for breakfast the following morning.  It was 9 o’clock, in the evening, in a bar, when he made this offer.  I politely declined.  Moving on swiftly…

According to the scientists on the internet, morning wood, or nocturnal penile tumescence (NPT) for the more scientific amongst us, is “the spontaneous occurrence of an erection of the penis during sleep or when waking up. All men without physiological erectile dysfunction experience this phenomenon, usually three to five times during the night. It typically happens during REM sleep.” (Wikipedia).  Although there is some disagreement on how exactly it happens, consensus seems to be that NPT is the body’s way of giving the dick a work-out (insert own crude joke here…  Actually someone’s already done it for you, 5 insane explanations for stuff your body does every day).  And it gets better, according to Why guys rise and, well, rise in the morning, all males get them, even male babies in utero, read it if you don’t believe me.  On a more serious note, Man up about health states that if a man is not getting a regular dose of morning wood, there may be cause for concern, so gentlemen, don’t take your wood for granted.

Thing is, after reading, I’ve now come to the somewhat startling conclusion that a man’s urge to have a shag in the morning has nothing to do with the presence of a (preferably) naked woman in his bed, he’s simply being an opportunistic bugger, making hay while the sun is shining, or perhaps isn’t, as in my case.  Turns out, ‘majestic breakfast’ guy was spot on, the stiffie in the morning really is the best stiffie a man will have all day, its super hard and ramrod straight like a weapon, which then explains his great urge to lay it on an unsuspecting female.

Which then brings us to the tricky subject of morning sex (with someone other than yourself, gentlemen).  It is said that women generally aren’t morning sex types, something about our hormones being at their lowest in the morning, while yours are at their peak, we are biologically discordant (morning sex tips).  Then again, there are other geniuses telling us that having sex in the morning is good for our health, and it makes our hair shiny (why morning sex is good for you)…  Shiny hair?  Say it with me…wow!  Either way, if a man wants a shag in the morning, and the woman doesn’t, as is allegedly often the case, then the man may have to employ some persuasion to get his way (persuasion here does not mean rubbing his dick against her ass), but on the up side, the woman is already (preferably) naked, so it shouldn’t be too hard to convince her.  I’m just saying, the hardest part is getting her naked, and you already did that last night, no?  No?  Oh my…

For the longest time I was that chick that doesn’t like to get freaky in the morning.  Up until Mr ‘morning workout’, I can honestly say I had never had morning sex worth a damn, in fact, I used to actively avoid it, convinced that I am not a morning person (which I’m not) and therefore a shag in the morning was not something I wanted, or needed.  As it turns out, I just hadn’t shagged the right morning person!  Despite my frustration with the early wake up call, I grew to love it when he’d pull me close, beginning what was surprisingly intimate sex for two people who’d just spent the night together.  Morning sex has its advantages, from a hedonist point of view.  It’s more laid back and less frantic, seeing as you’re both just getting up and in no hurry to get off.  It allows you to savour the journey, as well as the destination, and as an added plus, for the voyeurs who like to see what they’re doing, you get to enjoy the visual too, in the not too harsh light of day (assuming you get to do it when the sun is actually up).  It’s like afternoon sex, only without the seduction preamble, and with the curtains closed.  Good, no?

The moral of the tale is this, if a man could turn this cranky woman into a morning glory devotee, then there is no reason why you can’t do the same to your (seemingly) reluctant bedmate.  Ladies and gentlemen, morning sex really is the difference between a good day and a great day.

It’s in the morning I wanna touch,
It’s in the morning I wanna love you,
It’s in the morning no interruptions,
Sex in the morning…  

On an unrelated note, I must do a post on afternoon sex now, and I have the perfect song too…